Short N Snappy

Ding Dong Dengue

The jury is still out on the dreaded illness. The Man from Madras Musings, who is no Henry Higgins, has however spent some time in analysing how people say it. The more refined ones, or at least those who have pre-tensions in that direction, speak of it as dengi. There are several others who voice it as dengu. And then there are some who insist that the u and e are silent and say it is deng, rather like the comrade from China who ruled that country for decades. MMM is still waiting for ding and (horrors!) dong.

By way of its name it may be more musical than chikungunya, but in terms of impact it appears to be just as bad. MMM learns that, unlike malaria, it is the day mosquito that causes this illness. He has also been informed by reliable sources that almost every hospital in the city is full of victims of this dreaded vector’s bite. Many are being turned away for lack of space. MMM will not be surprised if a medical entrepreneur or two has already begun planning hospitals exclusively dedicated to the mosquito. After all, given the way it is happening now, they can be assured of patients the year round – between malaria, chikun gunya and dengue. Some have already begun milking the crisis for what it is worth. Those who call on them with unspecified complaints are immediately told to undergo the dengue procedure. And since not many patients know how they are to be tested for it, they are made to undergo examinations meant for bubonic plague, telangiectasis and glandular botts for good measure as well, not to mention adenoids, mumps and vesicular emphysema of the lungs. The end result is a fat bill on the seeing of which patients show signs of other distress, necessitating further tests. MMM strongly suspects that some of these hospitals may soon come up with schemes such as ‘Get Dengue and Enjoy Chikun gunya Tests for Free’ or ‘Family Plans for Dengue – Bring two patients and get a third tested for free’ or ‘Spend a weekend at our hospital resort getting tested for Dengue – swimming pool, restaurant and gym facilities thrown in for your family while you get tested.’

Our Corporation, however, has the motto – ‘deny the dengue’. That venerable institution has taken a leaf out of the positive thinker’s manual and decided that if it keeps saying there is no dengue, the mosquitoes will realise they are not wanted here and will take their custom elsewhere, say to Kolkata or Mumbai. Ask anyone from the civic body and after first hotly denying its existence, they then say that a few isolated cases have been reported but this is nothing compared to the situation in the Amazon forests or the mortality when the Panama Canal was dug.

The stock market is also interesting itself in dengue. MMM believes that there is what is known as a bullish sentiment as far as mosquito repellents are concerned. Another group that is expected to do well comprises companies making those electric tennis racquets that no well dressed male or female in Chennai steps out without. These are to be waved around at all times, thereby swatting the mosquitoes. What is better is that they electrocute them. But before you rush to buy one, MMM advises you to tarry a brief while. 2016 is an election year and some political party or the other may offer free electric swatters in exchange for your vote.

Time at St Mary’s

The Chief has often said that The Man from Madras Musings would do well to visit St. Mary’s in the Fort, principally influenced, or so MMM suspects, by his (the Chief’s and not MMM’s) factotum who has been doing a running column on that precinct. And so off MMM went one afternoon and wandered around the place. He found the experience enjoyable and hopes to be able to return soon.

While MMM explored the sacred space, he was startled to hear young voices and glancing out of a window he was mightily pleased to see what looked like an army of children. They were all clad in a yellow and white uniform and were marching into the church, two by two, rather like the elephant and the kangaroo when Noah bade them enter his ark. The children were being shepherded in by a couple of watchful schoolteachers. MMM was delight ed to see this and had half a mind to immediately contact the Chief over the phone to tell him all about it.

You see, the Chief has always been rather concerned over the way history has been given short shrift in schools. Remembering this, MMM was thinking that the Boss had got it all wrong. After all, here were these children, brought in by their hardworking teachers, both of whom undoubtedly knew their history and were keen to pass it on to the younger generation. And so, standing beneath a statue of a man who judging from his expres sion clearly had digestive issues, MMM waited to see how this history lesson in historic surroundings would pan out.

The teachers barked out their order that the students ought to maintain complete silence while in the church. MMM was impressed and conjectured that this was no doubt to facilitate ease of lecturing so that the lectured could hear every word that was said. These being pre-teenage children, they obey ed the orders at once and trooped in quietly. They were then asked to take their seats, which they obediently did. From his vantage point MMM beamed on them all and received a few smiles back, until one of the teachers looked rather suspiciously at MMM and told the children to look straight at the altar.

The other teacher then ordered the children to shut their eyes. This being a warm day, MMM assumed that this was the teacher’s way of getting the children to rest before they were allowed to explore the church and ask questions. The period of silent meditation lasted for ten minutes during which the teacher at the rear snored in her pew. At the end of it, the younger teacher stood up near the altar. Here comes the interesting talk, MMM said to himself. His optimism was most misplaced.

The teacher asked the children to open their eyes and then file out of the church now that their rest was over. As they were leaving, Teacher 1 remarked to Teacher 2 that it was a good thing that only ten more minutes of wandering about was left before they all boarded the bus.

-MMM

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