Short ‘N’ Snappy

Troubles in a train

Those who know The Man from Madras Musings personally will vouch for the fact that while he is not exactly slim, trim and athletic, he does give fat a good fight and tries his best to ensure that he does not become one of those men who open doors with their stomachs. Of this latter variety, MMM notes, our city abounds – most people overwork, overeat, overindulge and generally go over the top. And, as a consequence, they have all become people that Julius Caesar would have loved, for was it not he who once famously wanted to have men about him that were fat?

MMM realises that obesity is an issue and not many may actually be in a position to control their embonpoints and their avoirdupois for there can be many reasons for these. Towards such people MMM has nothing but sympathy. But he cannot understand why men in the prime of their lives in our city let themselves go in all ­lateral directions. In Chennai, as MMM often notes, shortly after marriage, the male of the species develops a distended abdomen irrespective of whe­ther the female does owing to pregnancy. If MMM ever came to be in a position of power, he would demand that men in Chennai give up their surplus fat just as the present incumbent wants people to give up gas subsidies.

Now why did MMM begin this train of thought he has quite forgotten… Ah, yes! He has it. It has to do with the fact that most of these people when they go to sleep tend to make noises like an electric mixer or grinder that is at that point of time pulverising some particularly hard substance. As to what they do in the privacy of their homes is none of MMM’s business though their wives (or, in these politically correct times, their significant others) have his sympathy. But when they board trains and, more importantly, come to share MMM’s cubicle, he strongly objects to their snoring.

Nowadays MMM has to travel by night train quite a bit. In fact, if the railways had any scheme like the airlines, MMM would qualify as a frequent traveller. And he does enjoy going around in trains. But the joy is significantly reduced each time he sees an obese co-passenger wheezing in, who, after a heavy meal replete with fatty junk foods and aerated drinks, goes to sleep immediately with his mouth hanging open. It is this orifice that is a dead giveaway. If it remains open even as the eyes close, you know you are in the presence of a snorer.

There are, of course, various varieties among these. There is the concrete mixer blender that MMM already has referred to. We also have the reclining Wagner in which case the bass, the tenor and the soprano all take turns to appear, each time rising to great crescendos. There is also the motorcycle with starting trouble and the cats out on a prowl in a rubbish tip. MMM’s favourite is the Q&A – where the snore is in two cadences – the rising one ending on a questioning note and the subsequent one that culminates in a subsiding note as though a question was asked and an answer given. In case you are unable to identify any, give MMM a call and he will be glad to give you a demonstration.

These are days of freebies and it is time the Government considers a hardship allowance for non-snorers when they are faced with fellow travellers who are of the other kind.

More rail sounds

If the difficulties that MMM faces with snorers, the problems he has with incessant cell-phone users is a lot more. Very often, these are the same kind of people – they snore while asleep and when their phone rings (it is never on silent or vibrate mode), they get up and speak loudly into it. When the call gets over, they are back to phase one, viz snoring. Now for some reason MMM was of the view that the kinds of business that take place in the witching hour of midnight would not bear scrutiny but in this he is apparently wrong. These days land transactions, conference calls, arguments, discussions on TV serials, all these happen right through the night and people are forever on the phone endlessly chatting. And of course, these talkers imagine that just about everyone else on the train is deaf for they speak freely on just about anything – difficulties in conceiving (which is not surprising given the amount of time people are on phones at night) to frank and forthright opinions on mothers in law – just about everything is expressed on the phone, in public.

And so it was a couple of weeks back. A couple boarded the train along with MMM and he could see even then that all was not well between them. Shortly after the train proceeded on its journey there began a series of phone calls, which MMM understood from the conversations were with the male half’s sister. The couple had stayed with her briefly and, during their stay, the hostess had not fed the couple’s child well. This stripling was a bulbous mass that shook all over like a badly set jelly and was even then munching through a bag of potato chips on the top berth to which he had been heaved with difficulty by the father. It was difficult to imagine that this bulging child had been ill-fed.

The conversations led to massive arguments. The female of the couple declared over the phone that she would enter the erstwhile hostess’ residence only as a dead body. This sentiment was probably lauded at the other end of the phone, whereupon the two warring sisters-in-law hung up on each other only to have the husband’s sister call him up on his cell phone and tell him what she thought of his wife. The battle was then joined ­between the couple and each began a listing of the other’s relatives and what their weaknesses were. Uncles and aunts were enumerated and roasted and it must be said that the husband was clearly at the ­losing end, his wife having a sharper memory for past sufferings and a quicker tongue.

By 11.00 pm, matters had degenerated to each declaring that his/her death was near and that the other could marry whomsoever they wanted, but the only thing that prevented them from jumping off the train was the fat kid (who by the way had gone to sleep with mouth hanging open and was snoring). It was then that MMM decided to intervene. He told the couple to shut up as he needed to sleep. That worked like magic. The only drawback was that the husband was a heavy snorer and so MMM remained awake the whole night.

Tailpiece

The Man from Madras Musings has a suggestion for the railways. Since they provide pillows, bed sheets and blankets in the upper classes of travel, why not consider earplugs as well? This was once being done by a highflying liquor and airline baron before he became well and truly grounded. MMM would be eternally grateful.

-MMM

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