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Vol. XXIX No. 11, September 16-30, 2019



Of massage messages and the clap

Not a day passes without The Man from Madras Musings getting one alluring invite or the other to try out massages of the oil, wine and dry varieties accompanied by facials involving the use of diamonds. Full satisfaction and extra services were also guaranteed, whatever they imply. Some offer a special package for a “body cooling massage.” These arrive with amazing regularity on MMM’s mobile phone and he has in the past, shared some of them with his readers in this column as well. That was done not with a view to advertise for the service but as a matter of amusement, that being the sole aim of this column apart from uplift (sorry, wrong use of word here and pun unintended).

The number of therapists, all female, keeps varying, the lowest, in times of high demand being two (North Indian and South Indian) and now in the recession going up to as many as five. MMM wishes all these girls well and has no intention of calling the numbers given but he does assume that there are people mug enough to establish contact and then lose all their money, credit cards and other valued possessions. After all, if there was no demand, these missives via SMS would have stopped a long while ago would they not? Of course, just receiving those messages gave MMM a kind of thrill – he felt wanted and that was a positive outcome. Perhaps that was the reason (for these days cell phones, so the experts inform MMM, are adept at reading your mind and getting you just what you want) that MMM has of late been flooded with companionship messages as well. A sample is given below-
Decent Club providing meeting fun with high class female in your city direct meeting offer no fake no chepness 100% safe & earn call now Jaya.

Whoever it was that sent these obviously did not attend grammar class or perhaps were previously employed at the telegraph office. The latter is more likely as the messages arrive always in capital letters, the kind that in the past would come home early in the morning with texts like ‘uncle serious come immediately’. However, leaving that aside, MMM has plenty of other queries and he lists them below:

Firstly, what is chepness? MMM is unable to locate it in any dictionary and here is an interesting aside – an online search reveals that several before MMM, and no doubt brighter minds, have typed the same search and have come away baffled. It remains a frequently typed enquiry and indicates that there are others out there who have been contacted by Jaya or Bindu, the two girls who have, it would appear, been long in service.

Secondly, MMM always assumed that such services involved the male half of the transaction paying for the meeting and if so, how does it become an earning proposition?

Lastly, what is implied by safe? Was violence originally contemplated?

These are some of the thoughts that flooded MMM’s mind even as he read these messages surreptitiously, hoping that his good lady, also known as She Who Must Be Obeyed did not get to see them. It then transpired that she too gets these invites and so they are evidently distributed with no bias towards gender, caste or community. This is truly a secular initiative.

Lastly, having probably read what MMM gets, his cell phone presumably alerted certain search engines, which in turn have begun asking MMM if he was interested in massage services from an agency named Urban Clap. Now MMM does not need a dictionary to tell him what ‘the clap’ stood for in the past and so he has decided not to avail of those as well. Just reading the messages is good clean fun.

More Madras Week for Dummies

It is only a fortnight since The Man from Madras Musings put out a set of standard questions he is asked each Madras Week. After it was published, MMM felt that a more appropriate title for that piece would have been Madras Week for Dummies. Since then, Madras Week got over but not the inane queries that invariably come in its wake. And so MMM is filing a fresh set for future reference:

1. How is it I never get to know of Madras Week programmes? MMM will never ever have an answer to this one. The events were publicised in MM, on MM and MMM’s social media pages and daily papers did a magnificent job of carrying details of each day’s programme. There is also a website updated practically on an hourly basis by a volunteer. So what more can be done? Next year MMM is seriously thinking of hiring drum-beaters and singers to serenade the people who ask this question.

Short N Snappy

2. You have said the programmes are open to all. But there are no details on where to collect entry passes. Like those Shakespearian characters, MMM usually soliloquizes within a whole set of curses but outwardly smiles and replies that there are no entry passes. The standard response on hearing this from MMM is if so, can you tell us where to register?

3. Sir, I have some ideas for Madras Week. How do I get approval from the organisers? Please, there are no organisers of Madras Week and it is meant to be a spontaneous celebration. So if you have an idea, just go ahead with it. Did you or your ancestors take someone’s permission before you or they opted to settle in this metropolis?

4. Oh to what purpose are these programmes when the city is going to the dogs? It was such a heaven when I was young. MMM is sure it was and the fact that it has since gone to the dogs means you too were one of the canines that contributed to it, were you not?

5. Should you not focus on making Madras Week less elitist and more mass-based? Go ahead, this is where you come in and we look forward to your taking this up in right earnest from the next Madras Week.


The Man from Madras Musings saw this advert on an auto and could not help taking a picture. So there is now an app for acting drivers. When will we get one for driving drivers?

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